A whole new beginning

Hello!

This is my first online blog and my very first entry...don't know how this stuff exactly works yet :D Well, how to start? Where to start?

I was never much of a diary writer, but now I feel I need this. Being anonymus, yet sharing my deepest despair with the world...

Basically, this blog will be dedicated to the transformation of my body - and therefore of my soul, my lifestyle and my passion too. I want to fulfill my dreams now. I want to be who I always aimed to be. I was already there last year and fucked up everything again. Hate myself for that. Hate life too because the last year shattered everything I believed in, shattered all my visions, dreams, my whole life....hum, well. I'll make a point here for now. Not a topic yet.

I am european, born and located in Austria. 27 years old, female, born to be wild and free, a free spirit, the heart and soul of an artist, used to have great passion and a free artistic life until one year ago when my whole life broke in a million pieces and I had to start form zero again. Now I'm in chains of someone I don't really wanted to be, but for now, have to be.

All these sh*t led to the fact that I lost my once very instinctive and natural eating habits completely. Ok, I never had a GREAT body, it was always a weak point of me. But it was OK most of the time (not that I was ever content with OK). The past years I got fattish but last year I got it all off and got onto a great weight, being happy with my look for the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, swearing myself that I'd never lose it again. But it happened. And I hate myself to death for that.

That's why I'm now here I guess. Yesterday's night got into a mess once again, already the third time this week. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it seems that my soul longs for it. So what happened yesterday AGAIN?
It was Friday. Start of the weekend, which means having free 2 days from the office. When I said I always was a free artist, that means that I NEVER worked in a "normal" job in my life before. NO, I'm not an unemployed unsocial messy person ;D I was student at law school and in my free time I was a free lance artist. Didn't earn THAT MUCH money with the music, but it was sufficient to make a basic living. Then I graduated from law school, being a finished lawyer, nd reality struck me right in the middle of my face. YEAH, my childish own fault that I was living on cloud number nine until then, but I cannot change that anymore! But it's not that easy, it had much to do with my parents involved, but more to that later. Anyway.
Yesterday, I was so released once again that the weekend was near, and I started to eat a lot and drink lots of alcohol again, feeling *I have deserved that!* And it got more and more and more again. I never was much of a drinker but since I feel so miserable inside, I am shocked to see myself being so fond of alcohol lately. Yes, I WANT to change that. That's why I started this blog.
Well, later the last night, I got into my blues again, drank even more, ate all chocolate I had home, got into a fight with my mom again, then cried again, drank more, somewhen fell into bed....
Woke up at 12:30 pm with a terrible hangover, realising that I obviously hurt my toe and saw that I did cut my legs with a knife once again last night. (Yes, I'm one of THOSE people :-P I struggling with self-hurting-manner since I was a child, due to reasons I won't tell right now).

My breakfast got rather big again, with one-and a half bread rolls together with some jam and a big chocolate cake and coffee. Well, I feel that my hung-over body needed the food. After a shower and after taking care of my toe, feeling more fattish than ever, I got this *STOP* in my head.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
I don't want to live on like that!
That's what this blog is and will be about.
Yes, I want to be thin again, having the body I ever dreamt of. And I want to take control of my life again, however it may look right now.
I want to have the dancer's body I always aimed for.

I start right now with unknown weight (was too scared for the scale lately) but I assume it's about 55 kilogram now (which are about....hum....121 pounds? Sounds pretty low, but I'm a very small person, so it IS too much. And YES, I love skinny girls. Always adored them. Always wanted to be like them. I want to be slightly underweight with visible muscles. I'll love my body then. Which means I'll love myself more then.
And which also means, I can only manage that if I work on my inner catastrophies. So, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!